so, i have cancer.
i should be out getting drunk right now.

instead, i am hanging at home with my boyfriend after pigging out on takeout and watching all the weirdos on tv freezing in times square. 

all i’ve wanted this entire time since i had that abnormal ultrasound was answers. now i have some.

i have stage IV breast cancer.

when i was in houston at MD Anderson i had a chest ct to follow up on the ct scans i had prior to the total hysterectomy. 

the ct scan was not good. it showed a mass in my right lung, nodules in both lungs, two enlarged lymph nodes and something inconclusive on my liver. funny thing is, my blood work has all been normal and i feel relatively ok, besides feeling extremely stressed out and anxious all the time.

so now what?i’m going to be enrolled in a clinical trial at memorial sloan kettering which is very specific to my genetic mutation and type of breast cancer. i can only hope that this trial helps save my life and gives me time. that’s all i want. time. i am not done with what i need to do on this planet yet. not even close. 

i have not been myself the last two months. so thank you to everyone who has quite literally dragged me off my couch or out of my bed and forced me to put down the iPad and leave my apartment.

i am so, so grateful for the incredibly kindness of everyone for donating to my fund to help cover my medical expenses and out-of-network doctors, donating miles for my flight and hotel points while i was in houston, cards, care packages, flowers, text messages, emails, hugs, friendship and prayers. 

without a doubt, i know 2014 is going to be the hardest year of my life. i also know it will be the most meaningful. 

thank you for all the love and support from my family, friends and my boyfriend matt who i lean on more than anyone. i know my crazy is driving him crazy, and i am so lucky he is here to help me every step of the way. he is a very special person for supporting me, making me laugh when i want to cry, and living this life with me. 

happy new year everyone. please make it a meaningful one, no matter what that means for you.